A Little About Me...
I know you don't think I'm real, and I get it, you've been disappointed before. You thought she was a girl, and she was porn, and you already know how to find porn, so that's not what you wanted.
I will grossly undersell myself, so that when we meet, you'll be pleasantly surprised, or at least relieved. That having been said:
I'm not particularly bright, nor do I have much of any sense of humor. I'll often simply give you blank looks when you're being hysterically funny. What's worse, when anyone laughs at something you say, I'll be sure you're all laughing at me, due to my grossly underdeveloped sense of self esteem. While I'm not 'in shape' I'm definitely a shape. I think I'm fat, no matter what anyone says, and I'm not shy about this opinion. I'll talk about it, loudly and am currently in the process of developing an eating disorder. I'll also blame my eating disorder on you, since you think I'm fat. You're always dropping hints. On a somewhat related topic, I'll interpret any statement you make as criticism. I'll twist compliments around, and also take offense at them, since you're obviously being sarcastic or mocking me. I'm impossible to please.
While I'm not completely hideous and you won't need to bring a paper bag to put over my face, you might want to bring earplugs, since I rattle on, endlessly, about my several cats. Which I coo at, in baby talk. I know you think it's cute, no matter what you say.
I'm socially awkward, on top of being lackluster in intelligence and appearance, so please choose simple, inane topics for conversation. I can almost hold my own if we stick to discussion about daytime television.
I'm not at all optimistic about you responding, and hope that you don't, since I can't live up to my modest description, and don't find your description of yourself at all attractive. Oh, and I'm either too tall or too short, depending on what you're not looking for. And I can't cook. Not at all. Can't boil water without burning it.
What I'm Looking For...
I hope we don't relate at all, on any level. Please don't fall within ten years of my age either way, since I prefer we have no shared social/cultural context. Other than hoping you have a limited vocabulary, we should have nothing in common, except for the following "musts":
Must be undereducated and unemployed , because I am, and I find people more clever or more successful than I am intimidating. Must also completely lack goals or motivation of any sort. If you are living on your own, please look elsewhere. I'm hoping to move in with you into your mother's basement.
Must be uptight and hung-up. Hopefully, you'll have a borderline anxiety disorder, since I do. Should seek out, or be willing to create, drama. Be determined to 'sweat the small stuff' as I prefer to spend my time stressed to the breaking point, on the edge of a self-inflicted nervous breakdown, and so should you.
Must be misanthropic and avoidant of any social interaction. I'm looking for someone utterly non-communicative so we don't share any conversation at all, particularly not intelligent, or even polite conversation. If you even try to make meaningful gestures, or overly expressive glances, it's a deal breaker, but I wouldn't necessarily know, since I prefer to avoid direct eye-contact.
Must be uncultured, disliking music and art, unable to appreciate beauty in any form, particularly in nature, or every-day things. Must be utterly joyless, hate to laugh , must hate when others laugh, that is, as you've never done it yourself. Must be completely unable to appreciate irony. Must simply despise snuggling on the couch watching a DVD. I prefer to stay cold throughout this winter, looking forward to losing sensation in my extremities, so if you have a fireplace, let's leave the flue open and suffer in an awkwardly shared sense of isolation. Please be a lousy kisser and avoid any display of affection, public or private, since non-violent physical contact absolutely turns my stomach.
cars
homes
jobs
health
sent Thu Nov 19 @ 10:15 PM
