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Dating and getting along with their children

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~Silly Filly~

msg local #5114

posted Wed Nov 4 10:12 pm	3392 posts · tenured: feb '04	Delete Edit
I've been dating someone who has his daughter part time. She is a really sweet teenage girl and we seem to all get along well. Why is it I always here horror stories? Are their others who get along well with their SO children? Your stories and thoughts.........

Parvati

msg local #105590

posted Thu Nov 5 2:46 pm	2154 posts · tenured: Jan '06	Delete Edit
My daughter is a teenager and her now "step mother" started things all wrong. She started treating my daughter as if she were a friend. She took her out with her other friends shopping and girly stuff. This honeymoon was short lived when she started treating my daughter less as a friend and more like a CHILD that was her own. My daughter felt betrayed. That didn't fly well with my little gothling. She quickly told her to shut the hell up she wasn't her mother and she didn't have the right to tell her what to do. She refused to go to the wedding. She won't spend the night in the same house with them. Yup things got way out of hand. If you do choose to be in a relationship with a parent, keep in mind the child owes you zero respect that you don't first earn with time, patience and respectable behavior. Edited Thu Nov 5 @ 02:50 PM

AshNky22

msg local #38072

posted Thu Nov 5 2:52 pm	1646 posts · tenured: Feb '05	Delete Edit
the previous poster is 100% correct. When my step mom started seeing my dad when I was about 7, it was RIGHT after my parents divorce. My step mom treated me like I was her best friend. Would pick me up early from school, take me shopping and to lunch. Would buy me makeup to play with and took me every where with her. Then somewhere along the way she started acting like she wanted to be my mom and that did NOT fly with me. I had a mom and did not need another one. I ended up having zero respect for her, I took nothing she said seriously and didn't take her at all seriously,she became a home wrecker (in my mind) that wanted to play house and wanted to control me. I think a lot of step parents come into situations thinking they deserve respect, trust and obedient little step children right off the bat. They don't, the trust and respect has to be earned. Edited Thu Nov 5 @ 03:06 PM

PandaWithaZ.

msg local #16134

posted Thu Nov 5 2:56 pm	650 posts · tenured: Jul '04	Delete Edit
The above examples are some of the many reasons I avoid dating people who have children now.

Proud Marine Mom

msg local #10784

posted Fri Nov 6 7:01 am	1430 posts · tenured: May '04	Delete Edit
trust yes has to be earned but respect should be given.

AshNky22

msg local #38072

posted Fri Nov 6 8:29 am	1646 posts · tenured: Feb '05	Delete Edit
Respecting them as a human being and being polite, sure. However, even now as an adult if i don't know you, I don't respect you any more that that. Respect and trust go hand in hand and both should have to be earned.

Parvati

msg local #105590

posted Fri Nov 6 8:43 am	2154 posts · tenured: Jan '06	Delete Edit
trust yes has to be earned but respect should be given. That is an old school of thought and is outdated. People who live by this thought often end up very upset when the world doesn't work that way. Respect has to be earned just as much as trust. I can act respectful to a person I don't respect. That doesn't mean I'm going to bend over backwards to make them happy though.

Weezie

msg local #215594

posted Fri Nov 6 9:26 am	630 posts · tenured: Jun '07	Delete Edit
I've known my boyfriends son since he was 5. It started out a bit rocky due to his mothers antics. I took the high road each time and never retaliated. He's now 13 and lives with us. He realized his mother is insane and really doesn't want much to do with her. I'm still taking the high road and I tell him she will always be his mom no matter what. He needs to accept her crazy and run with it. Raising a kid who isn't yours is hard though. Especially a teen. I'm trying to balance the cool "stepmom" vibe with discipline. Definately not easy. I never wanted kids but the dice rolled in that direction. So I made lemonade.

L B

msg local #285195

posted Fri Nov 6 11:19 am	1450 posts · tenured: Nov '08	Delete Edit
Hmmm, I could write a book on this one and so could my wife. We have three kids at home and we only share one. When we met, my stepdaughter was 12, and was hands down teh sweetest child I had ever met. Now, though I love her as my own, she can be a true bitch. However, we like and love each other and for the majority of the time get along quite well. Having said that, she doesnt repect me as she should. She knows it and her mother knows it. What I have learned to realize and accept is that she is above all, a teenager and has the accompanying attitude. I try hard to let her know that though I am not her father(who passed away some time ago), I love her as my own and need for her to show me respect. We may fight, but we always come back together and have a decent talk and move forward. I have learned to treat her like an immature version of her mother. It helps me understand her a lot more. My son and my wife have the same issue as well. He simply has a hard time listening to her and doing what she asks. Since he is passive aggressive, he causes my wife a ton of stress. But they are slowly working it out and there is a light at the end of the tunnel to that relationship. The respect angle could be a topic all on its own. I demand my childrens respect. My son should give my wife the utmost respect, and i expect that from my stepdaughter. She lives in our house, we pay for whatever she may need, we make sure she isnt neglected. I dont expect the same amount of respect she gives her mother, but something close to that is needed. I am an adult, she is a child. Period. If she walks into a teacher's classroom she is expected to act in a respectful manner to that teacher. At home, the respect should be greater. I respect her and her space as an individual, and as my daughter. Why shouldnt I expect some modicum of respect in return? I think that in these situations, you have to step out of the situation and see it from anothers perspective. Understanding that the child is going through a range of emotions and that eventually, as a pssible parent, you still have to be firm and let the child realize that no, you arent their biological parent, you can be a friend, but someone that they need to listen to and abide by. Anything else makes teh situation ugly and their end up being resentments and anger later down the road. I plan on waling my stepdaughter down teh aisle whenever she chooses to marry a man. She is my only daughter, and I love her completely. We have a relationship that is constantly working towards a better place. All relationships need constant work, this one is no different.

tecoyah

msg local #229495

posted Fri Nov 6 12:28 pm	962 posts · tenured: Sep '07	Delete Edit
Perhaps my perspective is less pertinent here, as my soon to be step daughter is 36 yrs. old (closer in age to me than her mother), but she has a 12 yr. old daughter who may soon think of me as PaPa.....OMFG. This little girl seems to adore me and in fact calls me "Awesome", but as I am not a huge part of her life it is likely far easier to be considered cool, plus I have no right nor desire to discipline an adolescent female. I do not try to be her friend per se, as that would likely be uncomfortable for us both, but I do pay attention to her and listen closely when she needs it. It seems to me at least, this is what we should all do for everyone in our lives. Just makes it all one hell of a lot easier to get along.

KTT Laura

msg local #34018

posted Fri Nov 6 5:15 pm	16794 posts · tenured: Jan '05	Delete Edit
I think step parents need a parade and a metal. I am from a blended family (2 whole sisters, 1 half brother, 1 step brother and 1 step sister) and I can only imagine how hard it was for my stepmother. She has always thought she was better than my mother and it showed so there was never and will never be a relationship there. In the beginning she really tried and I remember her crying because we weren't accepting her as a mother figure. My aunt now has a blended family with a step daughter and it's insane how much she tries to balance being her friend and mother figure. Her step daughter's mother actually said that any child she had was not actually her daughter's siblings because her REAL mother didn't have them. The poor girl actually thought her new little sister and brother weren't siblings and that she was supposed to hate them. Often times it's the past significant other than makes it difficult. I just think it's never appreciated as much as it should be, being a step parent.

Jen The Great

msg local #8487

posted Fri Nov 6 7:54 pm	13227 posts · tenured: Apr '04	Delete Edit
I steer clear of guys with kids, too. I have a hard enough time dealing with kids as it is, let alone dancing the step-parent dance with them. Uh-uh!

my sites: I can't believe you said that! Twitter! Jen The Great Dot Com My Blog

Weezie

msg local #215594

posted Sat Nov 7 1:04 am	630 posts · tenured: Jun '07	Delete Edit
I actually hate kids. But I was too far gone by the time I realized he had a kid. It happens. 8 years later...... love stinks

~Silly Filly~

msg local #5114

posted Sat Nov 7 7:18 am	3392 posts · tenured: Feb '04	Delete Edit
Hey thanks for your thoughts, His daughter is a sweet kind hearted kid. I most likely have it easy here as I have a number of things to entertain her at the farm. She lives in the city and has not been exposed to much, in the country. So the horses, picking food out of the garden and cooking it, dogs and cats have been a motivator. She was off school the last two days and spent them out here with me. We got ready for our yearly bonfire - pot luck last night. She really stepped up to plate and helped me set up the tables-chairs, candles everywhere, TIKI's, table cloths, making food, roasting hot dogs and marhmellows. When the fire went up 35 feet in the air she was taken back. So it's been pretty easy for me to give her new experiences to keep her entertained like carving a jack-o-lantern for the first time.

Proud Marine Mom

msg local #10784

posted Sat Nov 7 1:37 pm	1430 posts · tenured: May '04	Delete Edit
well said L B

Parvati

msg local #105590

posted Sat Nov 7 8:05 pm	2154 posts · tenured: Jan '06	Delete Edit
I demand my childrens respect. My son should give my wife the utmost respect, and i expect that from my stepdaughter. She lives in our house, we pay for whatever she may need, we make sure she isnt neglected. I dont expect the same amount of respect she gives her mother, but something close to that is needed. I am an adult, she is a child. You demand your children's respect but don't get it. I don't demand respect from my daughter but I have it. I find that amusing. You need to rethink what respect really means. I can treat someone I hate respectably, that doesn't mean I respect them. Sometimes in life, that's the most you can hope for. Especially from children. I think it is wrong for people who are casually dating to introduce their children to their date. When the dating becomes something more serious, then perhaps. Then it is up to the biological parent to be the parent and the new possible step parent to be to be a mentor, not an authority figure. Good luck to the OP.

KTT Laura

msg local #34018

posted Sat Nov 7 9:53 pm	16794 posts · tenured: Jan '05	Delete Edit
I think people mean respectful instead of respect. You should be respectful of your step parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc when you first meet them. If they are not worth your respect then that's a totally different ball game.

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