Louisville Mojo: Too much esteem for self-esteem?

Watching the audition episodes of American Idol raises questions about how we're raising children.

The standard joke of those episodes, which I stopped watching awhile back, is that people wait in line for hours, believing they are the next American Idol even though they can't sing.

I don't mean they "can't sing" the way your average cute pop star "can't sing." I mean: THEY SING WORSE THAN ME.

Many of these people appear to be "in on the joke." They are just looking for a way to get some cheap and brief fame. Good, clean, self-mocking fun. Fine.

But a fair number of them seem genuinely stunned that they can't sing, genuinely hurt by being told so.

How? How is that possible?

The self-esteem movement?

Well, maybe.

For many years now, parents and teachers have been encouraged to nurture a child's self-esteem. And for many years people have been mocking the results.

For example, yesterday, I personally mocked (or at least complained) about the practice of giving a trophy to every 3-year-old who signs up for soccer.

One article I read on the subject noted hearing playground phrases like: "Good job going down the slide!" And a fellow Mojoer shared yesterday that his daughter won a trophy for "almost perfect" attendance.

Here's the deal. No thoughtful parent is against healthy self-esteem. No one wants their child so scarred by a single last place finish that they never want to run again. And no one wants a child so badly mocked for being a bad singer that they fear stepping up on the stage to try something else.

When I was a kid, there were teachers and parents (not all of them) who thought the best way to make a slow kid faster was to berate them publicly and to suggest that they would never accomplish anything in life because they wouldn't accomplish being a track star. (Or whatever.) That was just plain wrong. (And it still happens.)

Furthermore, there is some GOOD in awarding participation. Because you know what? The fact that you're a slow runner might matter in a track meet in high school. But when you're 40, the thing that will REALLY matter is that you're running at all. We should encourage everyone to be active.

In academics, it also makes sense to look for the good in work.

Bill Bennett, hardly a touchy-feely guru of political correctness, noted in one of his books that no one thinks that spelling and grammar should be emphasized to the point that creativity is stifled. Most good parents know instinctively,, he said, that if a child brings you a card that says "Hapy Muther Day/ I luv U" -- you don't take out a red pen and start marking it up.

But it's also true that the greatest source of self-esteem is the natural sort that rises up out of actual accomplishment. There may be a time when a shy and timid child finally gets to the courage to go down a slide when it actually makes SENSE to shout "good job!"

But there will also be a time when they will recognize continued acclaim for that as something that resembles nothing other than cheap flattery. The struggle is to get it right.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton -- who is much closer to being a touchy-feely guru of political correctness -- recognizes that cheap praise is cheap. He notes in this New York Times blog that he has seen 5-year-old's in Africa quietly demonstrate confidence and competence while caring for younger siblings, though no one cheers them on. While many American children seem to lack any interior motivation for self-improvement.

It's not an easy question -- and it's one that thoughtful parents needs to constantly evaluate and readjust on. In questions as simple as: "When do you stop letting them win on checkers" to "whether it's right to praise one child for a B minus, while a more academically oriented sibling barely gets praise for an A plus." It's tough work, parenting!

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Rick Redding tue feb 09 2010 at 11:44 am ·


	Here's something on that issue, as it relates to Little League. I always railed against the t-ball practice of not keeping score, esp. with kids at 5, 6,7 years old. Because at some point, they need to learn the difference between winning and losing, and that winning is better. So now i see 11, 12 year olds that don't care whether they win or lose, which i see as one of the effects of that no-keeping-score mentality, meant to make parents feel good that their kid is never going to lose and feel bad and get his feelings hurt. Life lesson: sometimes you are going to lose, especially if you're not prepared or you don't try hard.

summer120207 tue feb 09 2010 at 11:58 am ·


	my baby girl already knows the difference between winning and losing...all she has to do is either watch uk - win, or watch louisville - lose. sorry, i couldnt help myself ;).

devil inside tue feb 09 2010 at 12:05 pm ·


	George Carlin pointed out in one of his later stand up specials that the first time most people hear that they are losers is in the boss's office when he tells them "You're fired, ya fuckin loser." It seems that the generations following the baby boomers have led their offspring to lives of mediocrity. No wonder asian aptitude trumps ours... It even goes into the schools after all, the brighter students often get left behind to help the slower learners, and having little to no challenge at all.

frederic tue feb 09 2010 at 12:22 pm ·


	I see the point, but I doubt kids take adults seriously enough for Parenting to be the source of the problem. People have always thought they were special and entitled to rewards, and usually at someone else's expense. History doesn't show anything if it doesn't show that. So maybe we could work our way down from adult business leaders being rewarded in spite of poor performance, cops facing no consequences in spite of a troubling arrest record, and when we get to kids, teach them something we actually know, instead of preaching something we don't.

Bragi tue feb 09 2010 at 1:35 pm ·


	I think I read a BBC News article at one point where a top American psychologist said this "self-esteem movement" has created a generation of arrogant, narcissistic spoiled brats and now that they've reached the "real world" they're utterly failing as human beings because they've never known what real failure is.

Lish tue feb 09 2010 at 1:52 pm ·


	I think the reason some people think they sing well is because they can't really hear themselves. They sound good in their own heads. But yes, we are raising a nation of wussies who will have no idea how to handle rejection. I'd look for a lot more gunmen in clock towers in the near future.

Beverly Bartlett tue feb 09 2010 at 2:14 pm ·


	I'm not prepared to go as far as some of you all. I don't see any evidence that kids today are utterly failing as human beings anymore than any previous generation. In fact, I think there's rather a lot of evidence that they're doing a good deal better than we did. But I do think we do a rather uneven job of helping them gain confidence in their actual ability, rather than praising any little thing they do.

Ladybug83 tue feb 09 2010 at 2:52 pm ·


	Well I see it as,the whole world's going to be against them one day,so I'm going to be rooting them on from the beginning.I'm their #1 fan.Instill confidence now and hopefully it will carry on later into their adult life.

frederic tue feb 09 2010 at 3:34 pm ·


	Hey Beverly, speaking of people who can't sing, the wiki on Florence Foster Jenkins is kind of funny.

AshNky22 tue feb 09 2010 at 6:56 pm ·


	Saying everyone is special is another way of saying no one is.

♥jaybeeM tue feb 09 2010 at 9:22 pm ·


	I hope to do a great job instilling confidence and esteem in my children as PEOPLE, not false talents. However, I will be there to help them find their great skill... I love fashion and runways, but my big butt will never be on one! My mother would be a fool to tell me I could pull it off. Not that she never said I couldn't, but still. Help them with their self esteem and be great at what they actually have skill for. My clumsy kid can try to play basketball, but if he falls down every other spell I'm not going to keep letting him believe he's amazing. It's a part of life. Parents nowadays are too soft, and in turn kids are wusses.

Bragi tue feb 09 2010 at 9:24 pm ·


	I remember being in a soccer team that only won one game all year and when they gave trophies out at the end of the season I couldn't figure out what we did to deserve it. In the end the trophy meant nothing to me because it had no meaning. Maybe I was too smart to fall for it, but I think a lot of these kids who get that kind of stuff end up knowing it's false praise. I'm a Boy Scout leader and we're not afraid to tell an 11yo they can't get a badge because they didn't earn it. You know what that does to the boy? It makes them work twice as hard and next time they usually get it. Earning the Eagle rank is truly a feat since the chance for failure is very real, but in the end they usually come through because they've learned how to really, truly be good at what they do and not just be given everything in life.

Beverly Bartlett wed feb 10 2010 at 9:31 am ·


	But you want your kid to be physically active even if they're not the best, right? So how do you encourage children to keep active and participate -- so that they're still running when they're middle-aged -- if they're never going to "win" anything when they're young. That's what I struggle with. (And Frederic that was funny!)

Beverly Bartlett mon feb 15 2010 at 12:34 pm ·


	I'm sorry KN. I think my "don't you want" question seemed like I was picking on you, I just meant that generically. I should have said: "Don't we want" -- I didn't mean to sound like I thought you in particular didn't want that!

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