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It is 5 AM, and as usual I cannot sleep, I have alot of things on my mind, as well as a lot of things going on in my life right now that has subjected me to yet another night of insommnia and borderline depression.
I have had my son this week and it has been wonderful for him to be with me, and as usual, it brings up harbored feelings I have for his momma that I have tried to supress, and for the most part suceeded, that is, until today.
Amanda and I have been talking more and more each day on the phone, and today was different than the rest, not realizing how she feels about me, until today, I had no idea she still wants me back in her life, yet she is waiting on me to better my life, as well as myself.
With this in mind, it has given me a new found sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, I do have a snowballs chance in Hell of getting back the only woman I truly love and adore with all of my heart.
Hearing her words and talking to her on the phone, I have come to the conclusion that even though we had a major falling out, and our lives arent as we had planned it to be right now, it none the less indicates she has feelings for me that I thought were gone.
Every day without her and Vincent in my life, to me, is wasted, and yet I go on fighting to get her back, and now I know, without a doubt, where we stand with each other, and its in a good standing, better than I had thought, so now it is time to roll up my sleeves, and get down to the dirty, raw, and sometimes gruelling nature of doing what I do best, and thats fighting for the woman I love, in hopes of having her back again.
Along the way of our seperation, I found myself, I am who I was before I met her, but better now, stronger now, more determined to not give up, give in, give out, or go down without a fight, and what a fight it is going to be, to gain her love, and trust back.
I dont care who sezs what, or thinks what, I dont care what others may say about my decision to give this a try again, in hopes of having my Amanda back, I do love her, I cant deny it, I miss her, thats a fact, and I have already forgiven her for what she has done to me.
Someone told me recently that I will find someone who will treat me like a king, but truth be told, I already found that person, and that person is Amanda, I dont want any other woman but her in my life, because over the years, through both good times, and the bad, we have grown together as a couple, and as best friends, and dammit I want my best friend back, at any cost.
Yes, I admit my faults, and hide nothing from my friends, well the people I can honestly call my friends, not the friends I had, that got caught up in all this third party drama and bullshit, cuz they dont talk to me anymore, even though I send them messages telling them Im not mad at them, as long as they didnt have anything to do with our seperation,but if they did, well they werent my friends to begin with now were they?
I am guilty of neglecting Amandas love, I am guilty of not trying harder to save that special relationship with her, I am guilty of loving her with all of my heart, but yet, not showing it to her at all times, yes, I am guilty as charged, and you know what?
I am also guilty of still loving her, and being in love with her, because true love is a powerful thing, and I know shes not happy where she is, and I know she would take me back in a New York Minute, after I prove to her that I can love her again, and show her this, as well as get my shit together, and thats what I am about to do.
I know alot of people out there, on both sides of the fence are scratching their heads, asking, WTF?, but thats ok, go ahead and scratch your heads, and say what you will, but in the end, you dont really know the whole story about us, you just think you do.
I know who Amanda truly wants, and why she is where she is, and when the time comes, that she leaves the place she is at now, as well as the person she is with now, for me, and the time is coming sooner than you think!
After today, I now know where I stand with Amanda, and where she stands with me, and it will be a rough ride, but worth the price, because to me, she is worth the fight, and she is my everything, and I cannot let her think for one minute longer that I dont want her back, because I do, and I will stop at nothing to accomplish this now.
So just to let you know, all bets are off, the time has come to rise above all of this shit, and drop kick anyones ass who gets in my way, regardless of who gets hurt in the process, so a word to the wise, dont get in my fucking way, because I will have to take yer ass out too.
True love never dies, it just redirects itself into the heart of the one who put it there in the first place, so Im about to return the love to the woman who gave it to me to begin with, in abundance, and I am about to deal it all back to the people who had anything to do with our seperation, in spades.
I love you Bunny, with all of my Heart, and I cant wait for us to be back together again, so start packing your shit cuz its getting ready to happen, and say goodbye to the one your with now, cuz he's just a flash in the pan.
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Sexy_Tx_Cowboy