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This piece was written during Bill Clinton's administration and, as such, does contain some content on the "hot button issues" particular to his terms in office. This is in no way directed at President Obama, for whom I campaigned and voted!
I Want to be President
After many years of flitting from job to job, and much wasted effort struggling with the question of what I want to be when I grow up, I have, at last, found the answer. I want to be president. I don't know why the possibility did not occur to me before. Perhaps recent events reported by the media suddenly cinched it for me. I guess I'll never really know why it finally dawned on me, but I do know now, that I want to be president.
I want to live in a six-story home without the mortgage to match it. I want to dance between all 132 rooms and 32 baths. I want people, who wouldn't previously give me the time of day, to salivate at the thought of enjoying a simple sleep-over at my house. I want to have a housekeeping staff, and a kitchen staff to attend to my family members' every need, and ensure that we never have to push around a vacuum cleaner or douse a piece of furniture with lemon-scented Pledge. I want to savor the taste of gourmet meals I did not have to prepare myself.
I want to throw elaborate dinner parties for international dignitaries and world-famous celebrities. I want poets with worldwide reputations vying for the honor of reading their poetry during my inauguration ceremony. I want people standing in line simply to receive an invitation to any social event, large or small, that I care to host. I want all my guests to enjoy the elaborate furnishings, artifacts, and food I can provide without any extra expense or effort on my part.
I want to have a plethora of transportation options with which to avail myself, my family, and my associates. I want a large jet at my disposal to wing me anywhere in the world I choose to go. I want a helicopter to handle those shorter jaunts not requiring a jumbo jet. I want a limousine, complete with driver, to ferry me around town. I want that limousine to be bullet-proof, so while I'm being ferried around, I don't have to concern myself with my own safety and that of my passengers.
I want a cadre of Secret Service people to guard me at all hours of the day and night, wherever I happen to be. I want those same Secret Service agents to watch over my family and to provide such services for the rest of my life. I want Secret Service people who would enjoy nothing more than taking a bullet so I don't have to, and keeping my dirtiest secrets from all of those people who would like to hear them.
I want free medical and dental care for myself and my family. And I want the right to dictate what medical care will be available for everyone else in the country. After all, those decisions won't affect me and my family. I want, in the interest of my continued good mental health, free stuff to remind me of how important I am—free golfing, free Big Macs, free team jerseys. In fact, I want anything else I can get the American public to provide me free of charge, despite the fact that most of them can ill afford it, and I can afford it all quite easily.
I want to be given a taxable salary of $200,000 a year, a taxable expense account of $50,000 a year, a tax-free travel and entertainment allowance of $100,000 a year, and retirement benefits for the rest of my life. And, of course, along with all these monetary benefits, I'll need someone to help me do my job. So, I want the help of the Executive Branch which includes 3 million civilian employees, divided into various departments, agencies, boards, and commissions. Among those, I'll need press secretaries, appointment secretaries, and various secretarial and clerical assistants. I want a National Security Council to help me develop policy concerning national security and foreign affairs. I want a Council of Economic Advisors to help me prepare the annual economic report to Congress and to conduct special studies for me. I'm sure there will be other councils and advisory boards I'll need to assist me, so I want to set up a committee to advise me on what those other entities should be. In case I failed to mention it, I want the American people to foot the bill for the salaries of all these other employees.
I want a vacation home that I'm not required to pay for—one in the wilderness of Maryland should do just fine. I want that vacation home to have all the same amenities that my main residence does. And I want my transportation to my vacation home to be provided also. Even though I have a vacation home of my own, I want to be able to take vacations at other privately-owned, sumptuous facilities, free of charge, and not be questioned about it, or how I happened to arrange it.
I want to have young, attractive people available, through various programs, to provide me amusement and sexual variety. I want the right to use those young people as I see fit, while their salaries are being paid by the American public. I want the American public to accept the fact that it's okay for me to do this—no questions asked—because I am, after all, the President. I want to be allowed to lie to my family, to my government, and to every single American, and be allowed to continue as if I hadn't done that because I am, again, the President. I want everyone in the entire country to turn a blind eye to anything I might do that appears illegal or inappropriate. After all, look at all the sacrifices I make on a daily basis.
On second thought, I don't want to be president. I'd have to lower my moral standards considerably in order to qualify, and I know I'd really rather be thought of as belonging to a better class of people.
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awordqueen