So I guess this is the month of self evaluation. It's a month before trial and I'm wishing somehow things could just resort to being cordial. I'm done fighting. I have no energy left for negative things in my life. The year of divorcing has sucked me into a turbulence of sorts. I spiral endlessly out of control. The thing is that I know what to do with my life, but can't always find the right way to start that new direction. It's as if being in limbo by the courts has obstructed any ability I have to create a new future per say. I wait impatiently for November 12 as I've waited endless times for a hearing or motion to be passed for the past year.
Looking back I can say that I think I've grown over the course of new challenges that divorce has put in my way. But it's the simple things that keep me stagnant in life. Like reading the evaluation from the psychologist in charge of informing the courts of our parenting skills and styles etc. I was amazed to realize that I was having online affairs and that's what led my ex into being an adulterer. I was also amazed to learn that in my 2 week stay to bring Chelsea to St. Louis last year to be in a safe haven that I was staying with a man I met online....lol Hello! I was with my mom and daughter and afraid to go home. He wouldn't leave and I was still so distraught over the death of my brother just over a month after his passing that I needed some solititude from the arguing that he needed to leave the house and constantly refused. It was during the time away that I got strong enough to stand my ground to leave. And as much as another man would've been a nice distraction considering the circumstances that simply wasn't the case.
During the mourning phase of a failed relationship or realization that your brother is no longer a viable human on earth having a sexual trist is usually not the first thing to enter ones mind. I'm assuming he still has to find a way to excuse his behavior to his new girlfriend and himself. Like evidence of your cheating in the form of another human on earth,who's father doesn't even acknowledge her, god bless that poor baby....isn't enough to push one away even after the multitude of problems during a marriage that should never have happened in the first place? How is it right to put your own needs before that of your child or children regardless of the circumstance of how they entered the world?
It's upon the Jerry Springer reflections that I get into the real ones I've been thinking about as of late. I was peeking at a friends profile and saw he lost a young friend. A mom to 2 young babies. Via motorcycle accident. I've been asked time after endless time since the split to hop on one and have always refused. I guess my dad's innate ability to remain grounded have made me stand my ground on being "responsible" because I am a mother. Lord knows how much fun the wind in your hair is on a nice day but it's like rolling dice and hoping you win. Nothing is certain in life. If you'd asked me ions ago if I'd ever get divorced the answer would totally be no. I was dead set against it. But life situations bring at you new ways to rethink and evaluate who you are and what your path is.
It's through our choices that we create our fortune. Nothing is guaranteed other than a chance to make of life what we can. And yet somehow it's in our struggles that we either break down into pieces and never realize the could be's or make life better from learning of failed circumstance. I guess in the end we should realize that as parents our job on earth is too short to enter into selfish choices. Our internal needs are not higher than the ones of our children that are put into our hands for guidance and love.
Divorce is like losing the life that you thought you were going to have. A death of sorts. But it's in the journey that you find a stronger happier more independent person you're supposed to be. Read the journeys of me becoming the new me....the much happier yet still confused one. And don't be afraid to give me your opinion. I need help! I don't nor will ever know everything....
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marley