I'm a sucker for old movies. Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day, Rock Hudson, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Danny Kaye...
I could list miles of actors and actresses from past generations who brought true romance to the silver screen. Granted, they were actors. They played parts in movies. And we all know that what we see on tv and in the cinema isn't necessarily art imitating life.
But still, as a little girl I used to watch these movies and dream of the day I'd be like those gorgeous women. Have a handsome man chase me down and woo me.
I'm a daddy's girl, too. I loved to watch my dad get dressed up and go out on the town. He'd have different meetings for the organizations he was involved in and he'd clean up pretty good. Suit and Tie, beard and mustache dark and combed, Hair parted just right. He'd look so stunning. And I'd think one day I'll have a man just like that. Who can dress up and be a gentleman, but at the same time not be afraid to be dirty and be a man's man.
I suppose these influences have all contributed to my love for romance. Yet, sadly enough I've yet to really personally experience it. I've dated men that have tried to be romantic. And I definitely can give credit where credit is due. Each man that I've been involved with has done at least one thing that made my heart do flip-flips.
Ben and I danced in the rain after a pretty bad fight. He also blindfolded me during the Christmas season and brought me to a park that was fully decorated in lights.
Jay bought me my first dozen roses for Valentine's day. He also let me help him out on the farm feeding the baby cows. * yes, i thought that was romantic. He even bought me a pair of mud boots to wear*
Wes played the guitar for me, and told me beautiful things in Spanish.
Chris drove all the way from Tennessee to surprise visit me for my birthday.
These are all things that come to mind, that at the time seemed romantic to me. These were all parts of why i fell so hard for those guys. But it just never lasted.
True romance shouldn't end. It shouldn't die. It doesn't have to happen with every moment, but it shouldn't be just one gesture and then nothing again. And it's not necesarily the same act for every girl. Part of what makes something romantic is simply knowing that that person knew what it would take to woo YOU.
It makes the individual female feel special.
And this isn't to say that woman shouldn't treat their guys to a little romance too. Hell, invest a little money into some pretty lingerie that is only going to be on you for 2.5 seconds. Your man will appreciate the thought.
Make time to cook a special dinner. Or let him have his video game night and keep his glass filled.
Prepare breakfast for him. Give him morning head. Rub his back at the end of a long day.
These are little things that can mean a lot. That's what makes romance so special.
So where has it gone to these days? Are we all just too lazy? Too selfish? Too spoiled to think about someone else?
I know I'll be the first to admit that I'd like a little of it in my life. But i guess until then I'll just have to settle for watching re-runs of my favorite old movies....
It never seems to fail that anytime I find myself happy with the way things are going in my life, my past rears its ugly head.
I got a call today from a man that used to be extremely important in my life. He would have been my father-in-law, had things happened they way they were supposed to.
I adore this man, and his wife. Of all the guys I've been involved with, I can honestly say that this guy's parents were my favorite. They treated me like a daughter. I always knew if I needed anything, they'd be there. Even when things started going sour with me and their son, I always knew they had me in their corner.
Their son was my first love. If I close my eyes and think on it, I can just barely remember those days. I was a completely different girl. Not yet really grown up, still a child. So anxious to be loved and to love. Ready to throw away all my hopes and dreams just for this boy.
Raised in the Southern Baptist circuit, we had promised ourselves to each other. Seems a stupid practice to me these days. What's the point of a pre-engagement anyway? But at the time, it made sense. That's what we did.
I loved him so entirely. And he loved me so...conveniently. I suppose time shed lights on these things. At the time it didn't seem to be convenient. But looking back with 20/20 vision that hindsight offers us, I can see that we were just young pups who got caught up in the romance.
We fell apart. He left college and transferred elsewhere closer to home. I lost touch with him, but his parents still wrote me. Every year, he'd call me and promise me the moon basically just to get into my pants and then disappear again.
First time, shame on you.
Second time, shame on me.
Third, fourth, fifth time...yeah I'm just a bloody moron.
Eventually all contact stopped. I suppose it was around 2005. I had graduated college. I heard he had gotten engaged. Not long after that he was married, and then suddenly his wife was expecting.
I banished all thoughts from him, from my mind. Yet, his parents seemed to still always be around. We wrote, phone called, ran into each other at events with mutual friends. It seemed no matter that their son had married, I was still their chosen "Daughter".
Then in February of this year, he sent me an email. Wanting to see me. He was in the process of a divorce. He still loved me, or so he said. Needed me to get through this.
I doubted his sincerity. But, I thought...at the same time...maybe. I mean at one time he was my soulmate, or so i thought.
For a few months we spent time together. I helped him get his life back together. I was reunited with his parents. People were placing bets on when we'd be getting married.
But something wasn't right. I felt it. I knew it. I wasn't the same girl. He wasn't the same guy. To be with him, no matter how much I had loved him at one time, and no matter how much I loved his family....just seemed wrong.
I kept trying though. Suddenly I found myself trying harder then he did. The closer we got to his final day of marriage, the further he'd pull away. I started to get the impression he'd been fucking another girl. He started saying less that he still loved me and more that he was glad we were friends. No matter what he hoped we'd stay friends.
I was becoming dispensible.
I saw it coming. I decided in May to start dating other guys. I figured maybe it would do me some good to get out again, and maybe it'd help me find out how much Ben really cared about me. Obviously if he did, he would put a stop to that.
But no. It seemed to be the answer he was looking for. He told me he was dating a girl. The girl that I thought he was sleeping with when we were whatever we were.
After a month of this shit, I sent him an email and told him to basically fuck off. Not to ever call me again, not to write. He was a fake, and he'd used me and as angry as I was at him, I was angry at myself for falling for it. I reminded him of the things he'd said, and then told him that the next time he found himself in a bad place, not to call me. I wouldn't be around to help him out anymore.
Let's see. To give you a perspective...I started seeing him in Feb. His divorce was final at the beginning of May. We stopped seeing each other by the end of May, by June he was dating the other girl. By the end of June I had sent him this email. In September I found out from a mutual friend that he is now engaged to this girl.
My feelings for him are dead, so it doesn't hurt. I'm glad that the door was finally closed. I'm not missing him in any way shape or form.
But then this morning....
I get that phone call.
I recognized the number. I knew it was his dad.I let it go to voicemail.
He sounds so sad. He's in his late 60's. A sweet man, who I know has always wanted the best for his family. He says he and his wife still think of me. That they hadn't forgotten me. They miss me, he says. Just wanted to check up on me and make sure I was doing alright. Things didn't work out the way they'd hoped, yet again, but I'd always be important to them.
He ends with a "Hope to hear from you soon."
My heart breaks a little because I know he won't. No matter how much I love them. In order to have full closure this time, I have to be okay with walking away from all of them.
Sometimes it comes down to it's either you or them. For the first time, I am choosing myself.
I stare at my phone for what seems like an eternity.
Be strong. They have to understand what it's like to be on your side of this "relationship" and respect that fact that you have detached yourself from this guy and all that is associated with him.
"My feelings for him are dead, so it doesnt hurt. I'm glad that the door was finally closed. I'm not missing him in any way shape or form."
Then just call the poor old man...he's a different person from his son, but he might somehow feel ashamed for what his son did to you. He might want to know you're alright.
I love this story...but move on. Send his parents a card, flowers or an email. You don't have to completely ignore them because of their son's ignorance. I wouldn't call or go to their home. Good luck.
I completely empathize with you about this situation. I still occasionally keep in contact with my first love's brother and sister in law who were my family when I moved to this area from my home to be with my "LOVE" who after 3 years of a wonderful relationship I realized I was young and wanted to see what else was out there after I caught him talking to a much younger girl online and saw him have cyber sex with her at his computer one day when I came by to surprise him. Sadly enough, after me and a girl who was one of my closest friends until she started dating him, he ended up with this much younger girl (10 yrs to be exact) and last time I heard, they were engaged, maybe even married by this point. Don't really know. So honey, you can still have contact with the parents, but if you do, make it about them or you and if they start to bring "him" up in conversation, just tell them you want your relationship with them to exclude him. They should understand.
"If you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best."
The above quote is one of my favorite quotes by any famous person. I think Marilyn made a great point.
We try so hard in even our day to day relationships to impress. We hide our true selves and offer up this fake persona in the hopes that someone might like us. We worry about our flaws, we stress about things we consider fucked up about ourselves, and we camoflauge ourselves in the hopes that no one will know who we really are.
Basically we dont know how to be real.
And then what happens when suddenly we take that coat off and people see us for who we really are? Well, then we're screwed.
Relationships end, friendships die and we are left wondering what went wrong.
I've been guilty of this in the past. Trying to be someone that I'm not. Hoping maybe I'll attract someone based on what i think they want, instead of who i am. Thinking that maybe just maybe if i start out giving them my best all the time, that when the worst does start to come out *and it always makes an appearance* that it wont matter. We'll be so blissfully happy that they will just have to accept it.
Nope. It doesnt really work that way. At least not a good portion of the time.
I'm a little older and wiser now. I've taken time to really figure out who i am and now, I'll be damned if i become anyone different for a guy.
I'm me. the good, the bad, the ugly. I'm a clutz. I'm forgetful. I'm cluttery. Sometimes i make jokes that arent funny. I tend to cuss a little too much. I take my job really seriously. I worry. I overanalyze. I'm a thick girl who has big feet. But what can i do?
I can pretend that those flaws dont exist. Or i can accept them and move forward. I can put my worst foot out there and wait for a prince to put the glass slipper on it anyway.
and hopefully, he'll have an insurance policy.
In the long run, I believe I'll be happier, as would we all...if we would just be true to ourselves and each other. Because trust me, if you are like me, you might have a lot of "worst" moments....but the "best moments" are definitly worth it.
Oh Saint...the things that i can do with salad are really only on a need to know basis...and really only you need to know about that..;) Good to see you, old friend.
That's a scary word for many people. I am no exception to that statement. The word "commitment" usually leaves me trembling, wearing that crazy "deer-in-headlights" look.
Yeah. It's a little intense.
Not because I'm not loyal. And not because I don't believe in love. In fact, I can honestly say my fear of commitment isn't because I don't like the idea of it.
Rather, it's because every time I have found myself in what was to be a committed relationship, it always ends. Just as soon as I give my last little piece of my heart to a guy, he tends to throw it down on the ground, step on it, grind it into a million pieces and then toss it right before he walks away.
And then there I'm left. Picking up the pieces.
My heart's been pretty badly beaten over the years. And I suppose after a while I reached this place of survival. I wouldn't find myself in that position. I'd hold myself back. I wouldn't let anyone fuck me over again.
But you know what? That's just no way to live.
So for the past couple of years, I'd date guys that were assholes. If you could even call it dating. Well, if you've been following my blog, you know my story. No need to go through it all again.
Bottom line: Commitment=Scary
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Yet, I find myself falling for someone. It's crazy how comfortable I am with him. How comfortable I've been with him since the moment I met him. I find myself wanting to know more about him. Wanting to be around him more. I even trust him. How crazy is that?
I realized last night as I was out at the bar with my girlfriend, that I've changed because of this guy. Let me be the first to admit, we are just dating. In fact, I don't even know that anything has been laid out as being exclusive at this point. Tomorrow he could call me up and be like, "Hey, I'm going out with this chick," and there's not a damn thing I could do about it.
The survival mechanism in me is screaming, "He could hurt you...RUN....don't let him trick you. You're just gonna get hurt!!"
But my heart says, "Give it a chance. Trust him. Let him have the benefit of the doubt."
And right now I guess I'm going with my heart. Last night at the bar, I had the opportunity to hook up with someone. But, instead...I took a deep breath and walked away. Not out of obligation to anyone...but because i realized that what I have right now with this new guy is ....pretty fucking great. I adore him and I have no desire to be with anyone else.
So I went out. I had a great time. I drank some drinks, I hung out with my girl, I sang some karaoke, made a couple new friends, and then I left.
I came home to my house, put on my pjs and popped a movie in until I fell asleep.
And I woke up today...oddly happy.
So maybe commitment isn't so bad after all, right? There's always a chance I'm going to get hurt...but there's just as great of a chance that I won't be.
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