The sometimes wonder that makes a smile
a knowing one, or those we simply catch ourselves holding
inspired by so many things...people
to define the reasons mostly takes away from the experience
The sometimes wonder that you seem to be
always there at the tip of my mind
slipping to the forefront when I need it most
becoming my sometimes wonderous smile
This past month has been extra-ordinary in many ways, bringing me great happiness and comfort. "D" and me are blissfully loving each other, and it seems to evolve and become more powerful with stretching time. I will be opening my store (Earthenirvana)
On October 3rd as I had hoped (all you folks are welcome to come out and enjoy the fun, pool table, movies, munchies, coffee....etc), and My favorite holiday is swiftly approaching. I am content as of this writing, pumpkin beer in hand. I hope everyone who reads this decides to see the beauty of life instead of the crap.
I saw this coming, the back of the mind has a keen focus the forefront seems to lack. After the second incident of jealous tirade irrationally based, I took a step back mentally, thank the gods. By doing so it seems I have managed to salvage my left ventricle at the least, and keep my heart from being completely destroyed.
After the third episode, serious worry began creeping in and my actions based on how she might react to everything. For a time it seems my attention to detail, and avoidance of any mention of female friends was doing the trick...then last night happened. Apparently I have caused "Irreversible Damage" to the relationship by repeating her own words to a female friend (once a lover long ago), who is coming to town next month to visit friends.
This friend is half her age, and well aware I am in love, unavailable, devoted, and uninterested in anything but friendship...it would seem this is not enough. There is no trust left in D's heart, not for me or likely any man going forward. What a pity, and what a way to live life. I have never wandered in any way...and it is unlikely she will ever be loved as I have loved her.
This is gonna hurt like hell, but I will eventually recover.
"and it is unlikely she will ever be loved as I have loved her."
I understand that you're angry and I'm sorry to hear about your break up, but what a cruel remark.
Really?...considering these words are taken directly from her own comments, I see no cruelty in them. As it is, they (and indeed the entry above) are in flux, as the breakup did not go as I expected...truly she is a unique and complex woman. After hours of conversation, we have decided this relationship is far too important to let go of, and she will be seeing a therapist shortly, to help with past issues that still haunt. For myself, I believe I need to be even more accepting and compassionate, observant and nurturing during these times of stress.
"and it is unlikely she will ever be loved as I have loved her." I don't consider this to be a cruel remark at all! Actually it is very similar to the poetry of Pablo Neruda. I am happy to hear that she is taking responsibility for her insecurities by seeing a therapist. I wish you both well and am hoping for the best!
I am devoted, loving, eager to be what she seems to need. I am Fun, tender, and pleasing to the eye. I am intelligent, confident, and "the best lover she has ever had"...yet I am apparently not worthy of the most important, and absolutely critical aspect of any lasting relationship.
....Trust....
It is very hard to be in this position, as I have never been unfaithful in any way...even in thought. In the six months we have been together, I have seen myself become more captured by her smile, her thinking, and her personality, to the point of a deeper emotional attachment than ever experienced...yet I have made mistakes I was unaware I was making, though every single one was innocent in my mind, they are not in hers.
Previous experience with men may have corrupted her view of what we are capable of (Thanks Guys), to the point where she may never be able to allow a trust to form. It does not help that I have failed to catch a few residual pieces of my own previous dating lifestyle...even though they were clearly not serious or threatening to her in any logical way.
I fear I will not be able to live with a relationship that lacks the most fundamental foundation we build our love upon, if she does not trust me, and respect my love for her then it may very well begin a downward spiral I do not want. It would be a terrible afront to all things wonderful in this life to let something this beautiful disappear.
cars
homes
jobs
health
Gumbo in progress
