Unadulterated Advice

Jean Valjean

A:  When I turned 18 I had the sensation that instead of being an emancipated adult I was instead a human commodity on lay-away. By signing up for Selective Service--on a whim the government could force me into military slavery and send me off to some shit-hole rice paddy on the other side of the planet to kill or be killed.

It's all down hill from there.

In those years after age 18 young men suddenly find that being funny, handsome, or just courageous enough to ask a girl out isn't enough anymore. We are no longer "equals" but must now prove our value as human beings and that means finding work that pays a "family wage".

You say your husband has a "great" job but often, to a woman, the "great" part is that she doesn't have to work herself. But maybe you do work and like most women you have chosen work that is fulfilling or at least pleasant.

Men on the other hand are socialized to do hard, dirty, and dangerous jobs and or jobs that are high stress, high risk, and have high work hours. To us the "great" part of our job is the extra money that this "man's work" generates. And he'll need that extra income to pay for all the things that women's "pleasant" work doesn't pay for.

But just because your husband has resigned himself to being your personal beast of burden doesn't mean that he isn't subconsciously rebelling against the system. Over eating, smoking, and refusing to exercise may be the only ways he feels control over his life. It's not like it's really his life anyway right? He's obligated to you, the kids, and the government. Who's obligated to him? Sure you make him some food and prepare a warm clean place for him to sleep at night just like a farmer would do for his mule. But the mule doesn't live with the knowledge that at anytime you could sell him off to the glue factory a la "divorce him and take his kids and house and still make him work like hell to pay for it all". Think of these small acts of rebellion like a union worker throwing a wrench into a machine because a strike would hurt him more than it would his employer.

Besides, it's a bit anachronistic to tell men to care about their health while sending them the message all their lives that they are disposable. "Be healthy so we can make you do all the shit jobs that might kill you."

So how do you get him to change? Clearly, reminding him of his obligation to live a long life as your personal "human ATM" isn't going to do it. Is that unfair of me to say that? I don't think so. After all your primary reason that you want your husband to be healthier is because you don't want to lose your man-slave at a time in your life when your youth and beauty will be insufficient to attract another. (Widow at 40 ring a bell?) Your motivations seem entirely selfish and make no mention of his happiness and fulfillment. Do you even think of him in those terms?

If you want your husband to make healthier choices then why not convince him to do it for himself? Why not tell him he's a beautiful human being who deserves to live a long life and spoil his grandchildren. That life won't always be a 40+ hour work week and chores at home and sex if wifey feels like it. Tell him that he deserves to be happy and that moderate exercise and healthier food choices can make him feel better and give him more energy to do the things that HE wants to do.

But I have to warn you that planting the seed of self-realization could be very dangerous. After all the last time one gender started thinking they were more important than everyone else it begot the feminist movement. Now %50+ of all marriages end in divorce, 40% of all children are born out of wedlock and women file 85% of divorces.

You might wake up one day only to find that he's at the gym so he can hook up with a 20-something year old. Or worse, he might slip the yoke you've put on him and you will have to start working 40+ hours a week and paying your own bills and watching your own health and happiness drain away.

My unadulterated advice to you is to shut the hell up about it. Make him a BLT with extra mayo and buy yourself a kick-ass life insurance policy. This way, either way, you will get what you want.

- Jean Valjean

Rand

A:  This is all about you and your needs. His health? Not so much.

You're worried about YOUR life as a widow and YOU growing old alone.

Stop being selfish and think of ways to make his few remaining years the best years of his life.


He wants to order a third patty and extra cheese for his Big Mac.
He wants to gorge on your kid's trick-or-treat candy.
He wants to have deep fried waffles with maple syrup a la mode, with a layer of mayonnaise and potato chips.

Fine. Let him.

And if you're worried about being alone at age 40, fret not. Mojo can hook you up with a solid cat herd in no time.

Cats are finicky, but ultimately, they have to eat what you feed them. So you don't have to worry about your kittens developing love handles.

- Rand

swissmiss

A:  Thank you for paging down so many times to get to my answer. Did you follow all of what Jean Valjean said? Me either. Once he starts with the "Men are socialized to be disposable" argument, my eyes start to glaze over too and I think about how I need to schedule a mani/pedi STAT.

But I did catch one good thing he said -- your husband's habits are the one thing he may feel like he has control over in his life. Think about what stresses he might be under. Are you guys mortgaged to the hilt? Are your kids a bunch of hellions? Does he work hourly with timed & scheduled breaks? Is he generally insecure?

Much like smoking, overeating is sometimes a way to let loose and relax. Treating his addiction to food is much like treating any other addiction. Motivate all you want, he's not going to kick the habit until he wants to.

If you can find a way to relieve some of the possible stresses in his life, then it may allow him to relax and NOT have to focus on food for a release. Show him the life you want to lead by example. Cook healthy dinners at home. Don't buy junk food just because it's on sale. Spend afternoons walking in the park instead of watching TV. Sitting on your ass telling him to get healthy isn't gonna work.

Remember: you're not his mom. It's not your job to fix him. All you can do is love him for what he is, despite the bad choices he makes. Hopefully when he's in ICU recuperating from a triple bypass, he will finally choose life with you over a basket of onion rings.

- swissmiss