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a 38 year old female recently pondered this: How to forget the one you can't have

I was divorced this past spring and i met a great guy right off the bat. We agreed not to jump into a relationship since he didn't want to be a 'rebound'. We agreed to date others. After 3 months I found myself having feelings for him. I told him i didn't want to date others....he had mentioned he had feelings for me but wasn't ready to 'settle down' yet. I didn't want to marry the guy, just wanted monogamy. I ended it.

2 weeks later he contacted me and he admitted he had feelings. 3 weeks later he was in an accident which had him laid up for 5 weeks. He didn't want to see me and just stopped calling/texting/answering emails.

He's ok now and back to work (I'm friends with some of his co-workers) and isn't dating anyone else. He checked out my FB through a friend's account but still won't contact me. I'm not trying to contact him b/c i just don't need the rejection.

Problem is I can't stop thinking of him. i just want to know why he just blew me off instead of telling me he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm not sure if it's feelings i have for him or just the need to know what the hell happened.

Is it worth asking or should i just forget it?

signed, lost in limbo

Jean Valjean

A: You haven't been contacting him but he's the one who has blown you off?

You said it yourself, you are afraid of rejection. Considering that men have to put themselves out there far more than women do you can imagine how he feels.

It's also clear that you are not a good communicator. If you were you would have figured out what was going on awhile back.

Guess what? If you don't start talking to him and he doesn't start talking to you then nothing is going to change.

If this thing is worth doing then communication is how you will do it.

And if it isn't worth it then why are you bothering us about it?

- Jean Valjean

swissmiss

A: Dear Lost in Limbo,

I don't know about you, but when I'm laid up for 5 weeks, I am probably tired, stinky, crabby, in pain, and bored. My friends and family will come to visit anyway. I'd like to think the person I have feelings for will want to see how I am as well. Did you even call the dude to see how he's doing? Not email. A real phone call. Where he doesn't have to type to respond, because sending emails is sometimes annoying, especially when everyone wants to know how you are after an accident. How many times can you say "Yeah, I'm fine, thankful to still be alive. How are you?"

Communication is a two-way street. The problem with fearing rejection is that you become a self-centered victim. "I'm not calling him!!! Why is he not calling me??? Boo hoo!!! Men suck!!!" and so you are expecting him to do all the work. He was in an accident, give the guy a break.

Call him and ask what's up. Do not ask him why he blew you off. Invite him out to dinner. If he says no or gives you some song and dance, then you can move on. No harm no foul. If you choose not to call him, then you need to quit sitting in the corner wondering why he's checking out your FB. You're 38, not 12.

I know it's easier to do nothing and just wait for him to make the next move, but your limbo is a self-created one that you can exit if you so choose.

- swissmiss

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member comments

**KyMusician** Nov 7, 2009 at 9:46 am


	maybe he doesnt want to be with a divorced woman

mo Oct 29, 2009 at 12:09 am


	What Dismissed said.

strigoi_mortii Oct 28, 2009 at 5:41 pm


	so he wasnt ready when you asked. then he says ok after and you repeatedly reject him and dont even ask how he is doing when he is in traction after a serious accident. Ya I wouldnt call your ass either. Id have forgot aobut any feelings I had towards someone after sitting 5 weeks in a hospital and not hearing a damn thing out them. DO yourself a favor just forget any of it ever happened and walk away. The conversation would go like this: thanks a lot for wasting my time

Komarovsky Oct 28, 2009 at 5:03 pm


	You're 38? Your request looks like something my 19 year old would think was really immature and more like something my15 year old would do.

averagejoe Oct 28, 2009 at 10:51 am


	Very confusing. You ended it. Despite that, he tells you two weeks later that he still has feelings for you. You apparently reject him again because you don't say anything about re-dating in the next three weeks leading up to his accident. So you end it, then reject him again, and now complain that he is blowing you off. Sounds like you require a stalker b/c they are the only ones who will continue to pursue someone after all of this rejection.

Papi Oct 27, 2009 at 5:08 pm


	"How to forget the one you can't have" Duh! Move on to the next one you can't have. That'll take your mind off of it.

~RawBeanZ~ Oct 27, 2009 at 9:14 am


	Lots of High Grain Alcohol mixed with an assortment of Exotic Drugs may help..........

RavingLunatic Oct 26, 2009 at 11:39 pm


	38? Really?

G~ Oct 26, 2009 at 11:12 pm


	Just ask.

~Silly Filly~ Oct 26, 2009 at 8:50 pm


	Girl, just give this one a rest. You have over thought the entire situation. If he was not that into you, he would be calling you day and night to get back with you. Why chase someone who is clearly going to treat you in a confusing way. Frankly the entire situation smells like he has a "squeeze" somewhere to gives him some every once in a while. When he was lonely he called you. By 38 you should know the game by now.

SingingFire Oct 26, 2009 at 1:28 pm


	What you just said makes no sense. You're just being a melodramatic ninny. Also, it's not a matter of "how" to forget about someone, it's about having enough whit and self-discapline to do it. You clearly have neither of those.

tecoyah Oct 26, 2009 at 11:21 am


	Maybe I missed it, but it seems you did not even bother to check up on this guy in the hospital, during recovery, or after the fact. Truth be told...to me at least this indicates a complete lack of caring and compassion which reveals far more about what you feel, and who you are (or he is) than this query into what you should do. I think you have already done it through inattention...just keep walking, as it seems you are already pretty far out the door.

~Whipz~ Oct 26, 2009 at 7:16 am


	Chloroform and duct tape work wonders.

Dismissed! Oct 26, 2009 at 5:38 am


	I think you should just forget it. This isnt healthy, and clearly he is confused. They saying really is true: If a man wants you, he'll find a way to talk to you. Just that simple. If he's not contacting you, and you know all these things, then seriously, put him behind you and move on. My ex wouldnt talk to me for months then would post a response on FB, like baiting a hook. Fuck that. Move on.

Bluerider Oct 26, 2009 at 5:32 am


	Some people don't want to be around anyone they care about when they are sick or hurt. It's like they don't want to be seen by someone while not at their best, but he had no choice about working. Just ask him how he is healing, let the dating stuff wait.

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